The Darkness in Our Hearts
by WolfGangSBD
Summary: Love. What is love, really? Some people would describe it as happiness and contentment, others maybe excitement and ecstasy. Then there's the other end of the spectrum: pain, longing, desperation. No one in love would ever experience this unless their significant other was hurt or gone. But the most famous of all should be that of unrequited love. Warning: very dark


**AN:** If there is a heaven, there is a hell :)

* * *

Love.

What is love, really?

Some people would describe it as happiness and contentment, others maybe excitement and ecstasy. Then there's the other end of the spectrum: pain, longing, desperation. No one in love would ever experience this unless their significant other was hurt or gone. But the most famous of all should be that of unrequited love.

In Nozomi's eyes, there was no happy ending. To her, love was like giving someone a knife. They could stab you in the back and leave. They could become bored with you and cut you just for their own amusement. Or they could just leave altogether, but Nozomi didn't think that would ever happen without someone getting hurt one way or another.

But that was how she saw it now. Past Nozomi had hope. So much hope. So, she willingly gave Eli that knife during her second year of high school, thinking that one day, maybe one day, she'll give her a knife of her own.

But as days turned into weeks and weeks into months, Nozomi realized how much of a fool she was.

She looked into the mirror in her lonely bedroom, wondering when those dark circles had appeared under her eyes. She wondered when her eyes became so dull, so lifeless and emotionless. She wondered when she had gotten so fat, so disgusting and atrocious. She wondered when her smile twisted into an horrible imitation of her former self. She wondered when she had become so skilled in hiding her true, monstrous self in front of everybody, every day.

Nozomi snapped out of her thoughts when she heard her phone ring. Seeing it was Eli, she bit back tears and took in a deep breath, steadying her voice to ensure that Eli wouldn't notice anything, to ensure that she wouldn't see through her.

Well, it had been three months since Eli was dating Honoka. If she could fake her entire self for that time period, then a phone call wouldn't be too hard.

"Elichi! What's up?" Nozomi answered with false cheer, glaring at herself in the mirror for lying.

"Not much. How's my best friend doing?" Eli asked with amusement and Nozomi bit her lip, careful not to wound herself.

 _Lies. She's not your best friend. She doesn't care about you._

"Oh, you know, I was just gonna nap soon." Nozomi responded, forcing a small giggle when Eli chuckled.

"Well, the group decided on a spontaneous outing, but Umi and Kotori couldn't make it apparently. So, madam, I was wondering if you were busy this fine weekend?" Eli asked playfully and Nozomi laughed along.

 _Lies. You're not gonna nap, and you know she wouldn't want to hang out with you. She doesn't need you._

"Aw, how nice of Elichi to personally call me." Nozomi teased, and she could almost hear her grin from the other line.

"Well, I haven't talked to you in a while, being in different classes and all this year. I miss you, you know." Eli responded. Nozomi grinded her teeth together at that.

 _Lies. Why the hell would she miss someone like_ you _when she has_ Honoka _. She doesn't want_ you _._

"So how about it?" Eli continued.

"Oh, I don't know. I'm feeling tired this weekend. I did some extra laps yesterday and I'm sore all over." Nozomi said with a fake groan, and Eli hummed in approval.

 _Everything is a fucking lie._

Nozomi flinched when Eli started talking again. She looked herself over in the mirror, trembling at how atrocious she looked.

 _You're fat. You're disgusting. You're terrible. You love her even when she loves someone else. You sneak glances at her when you're changing during practice. You only show the slightest bit of affection when_ she _isn't there. You're a fat, disgusting, terrible liar_ —

"—Nozomi? Hey, Nozomi, you there?" Eli's worried voice rang out from the phone.

Nozomi blinked and realized she was crying silently. With a forced grin, she replied, "Sorry, sorry. I must be really out of it."

"It seems like. Listen, I'll call you back later, okay? Get some rest." Eli said, obviously concerned about her friend, "I wouldn't want you getting sick now."

Nozomi agreed and laughed with her before ending the call. With a deep, shaky breath, she threw the phone against the wall and screamed.

 _Disgusting. Dirty. Pervert. Pig. Loathsome. Liar. To you and the rest of the world._

Check on all accounts, Nozomi mused with a dull laugh. She felt sick in her stomach. She looked down and saw nothing but fat.

 _You're a filthy, fat pig who has disgusting and perverted thoughts about the one you love. You're loathsome. You're atrocious._

Crying furiously, Nozomi stormed to her bathroom, stuck her finger deep into her mouth, and threw up in the toilet.

 _You're fat. You're disgusting. You're a piece of filth. That's why she wants Honoka, not you. You're too fat. Who cares about big boobs? It's just fat. Eli doesn't want that. She doesn't want you._

Nozomi cried as she flushed the toilet only to repeat the process once again.

 _Besides, have you seen how happy she's become? That's because of Honoka, not you. And it will never be you. You stuck by her for three years, and Honoka was able to change her in three months. You're pathetic._

Nozomi only stopped throwing up when she heard someone calling her phone. She breathed heavily before scrunching her nose up at the smell.

 _Filthy, just like you._

She flushed the toilet, brushed her teeth, and rushed to her phone, surprised it was still okay. She saw Umi's caller ID and hummed curiously.

What could she want?

Nozomi breathed deeply again, and the facade was back on.

"Umi-chan! What a surprise!" Nozomi exclaimed. When she didn't answer, Nozomi continued, "Umi-chan?"

She heard hiccups and soft sobs, and immediately became concerned.

"Umi-chan? Umi-chan! Are you okay?" Nozomi said. "Where are—"

"—Please, open the door."

The call promptly ended, and Nozomi looked at her phone with astonishment. Her worries immediately became replaced with panic.

Did anything smell tidy?

 _Of course not, you're a piece of filth._

Was everything in order?

 _Of course not, disgusting filth comes with filth itself._

Did she look okay?

 _Of course not, you're a fat fucking pig._

She cleaned up as quickly as she could before opening the door. Umi didn't say anything, just walked in, closed the door, and hugged Nozomi.

"I, I just can't."

"Umi-chan, what's—"

"You were invited too, right?" Umi asked, her eyes red from crying. Nozomi understood everything in her expression: the pain, longing, desperation.

With a knowing smile, Nozomi nodded. Umi blinked her tears away and soon realized that Nozomi was in the same boat as her.

"I knew it." Umi whispered. "You've been slimming down. You've been lagging a bit with your movements. You've been more distant than nosey." Nozomi flinched as Umi continued with a piercing look.

"It's Eli, isn't it?"

And just like that, Nozomi's facade fell apart.

"Well," Umi said with a bitter, bitter laugh, "what can I do if Eli is dating the one I love?"

It was as if Nozomi saw herself in the mirror again.

 _No. Umi isn't fat like you. She isn't disgusting like you. She's not a pervert like you. She's not_ —

"Nozomi, say something." Umi whispered and Nozomi just shook her head, letting the tears fall down her face.

"I don't know what to say." Nozomi murmured lifelessly before leaving to her bedroom, Umi trailing right behind her. She sat on the bed with Umi next to her.

"How do you deal with it?" Umi asked desperately and Nozomi couldn't help but pity her underclassman.

She had to deal with one more year with Honoka, but all Nozomi had was a couple more months. She could leave Eli behind and forget once and for all. She just needed to last a couple more months. Just a couple more months.

"I don't, Umi-chan. I'm falling apart." Nozomi replied simply. Umi sobbed harder, and Nozomi embraced her.

"Nozomi." Umi cried. "Nozomi, it hurts."

"I know, Umi-chan."

"Nozomi."

"I know, Umi-chan."

"Nozomi." The way she said her name was a bit different, as if it were a question.

"Yes?"

"Kiss me."

Nozomi's eyes snapped open and she tried to let go, but Umi was stronger than her. She held onto her tight.

"Umi-chan, I can't."

"Nozomi, we're both hurting."

"No."

"Please."

"C'mon, little Umi-chan who couldn't bear PDA suddenly wants to be kissed?" Nozomi said teasingly, trying to lighten up the atmosphere but failing desperately.

"Touch me." Umi begged. She let go of Nozomi and moved to take off her shirt.

"Umi-chan, stop—"

"—Nozomi!" Umi yelled, the tears not stopping. " _Just help me forget_."

"Umi-chan..." Nozomi whispered, wondering just how broken she was.

"You're out of your mind."

"You are too, and you know it."

Nozomi froze, and all the voices in her head started speaking up once again.

 _Just do it. Convert her. Make her as filthy as you. As disgusting as you. As much as a pig as you. As much as a liar as you._

"Don't think of me as Honoka-chan."

"As long as you don't think of me as Eli."

Filled with a terrible, terrible darkness in her heart, Nozomi reached forward and kissed Umi.

She gave Umi a knife, and Umi gave her one in return. And as the night grew darker and the air colder, the two slashed their pain away.

* * *

It was 2am when Nozomi woke up. Umi was next to her, sleeping soundly since she had overexerted herself earlier. Everything hurt. Physically and emotionally. Nozomi got up and put on a shirt, going to her small kitchen to get a glass of water and ignoring how red her skin was, how wounded it had become. But before she could leave, her phone started vibrating.

Ignoring Eli's missed call and two (only two) texts, she opened Kotori's.

" _Hey Nozomi-chan. I'm outside. I told my mom that I was with you the entire time, but all I really needed was some alone time. Can you please let me in? I need to talk to you about something."_

Nozomi felt dread seep into her bones. She could only guess what had happened.

 _Oh, come on. You've already turned Umi into a repulsive duplicate of yourself. Kotori's just one more person. What's that saying again? The more, the merrier._

Nozomi opened the door. It was like dejavú, except it was Kotori instead of Umi. However, the two didn't know that Umi had woken up after Nozomi left the bed and heard everything.

Oh, Kotori. Poor, sweet, innocent Kotori. Too invested in her own pain, she didn't notice that she walked into hell itself. And she was just a poor, innocent little bird against two desperate demons. But that doesn't matter.

 _You know what to do, Nozomi._

No.

 _Yes, you can help her like you helped Umi._

No!

 _Yes! You know that you're the only one who can ease her pain!_

I can't!

 _Yes you can!_

I—

"Kotori, it's okay. Stop crying, it's not your fault." Umi whispered as Kotori sobbed. Umi herself was crying as she tried to comfort her best friend.

Nozomi's will fell apart. Her heart, broken as it was, could not feel anything anymore. Life just wasn't fair. Everything felt—no—was so dull, so cold.

 _But not what you did with Umi. That, my dear sweet, was hot, heavy, and filled with so much passion._

Right. You're right.

 _Of course I am. You're nothing but a filthy, disgusting pig. You're repulsive. All you do is lie. It's not that hard to add one more sin to everything else._

Yes. You're right.

 _Go on. Make her into the monster you are. Bring her into the hell you're in. You know it will help her. You know it will_ heal _her._

"Kotori-chan." Nozomi spoke after a moment. Kotori looked up to her, looking at her with her full attention.

"I know something that can dull the pain."

"Nozomi-chan?"

The fear was ever so present in those poor, innocent amber eyes once she saw just what state Nozomi was in.

"Nozomi's right Kotori."

Amber eyes turned to steadfast chocolate ones.

Safe. She felt safe. If it were those dark, mocha eyes, then she knew she could trust them.

"Come here, and I'll show you how."

Safe. With her best friend and trusted upperclassman.

"Don't worry, just close your eyes and take it all in."

The darkness in their hearts spread and spread until everything was pitch black. Nozomi and Umi smiled as they both handed Kotori a knife. Kotori smiled back as she gave them one in return. And during that dark, lonely night, a massacre happened.


End file.
